The Punisher Holiday Special!

There are so many classic Christmas stories out there. You have the story of Ralphie and his wish for the elusive Red Ryder BB gun, the redemption of Ebenezer Scrooge through the Ghosts of Christmas, and the story of how Clark W. Griswold and his family were almost arrested for kidnapping. However, none of them are as epic as the time the Punisher had to take on a bunch of goons in a shopping mall on Christmas Eve. This is going to be a long one, so grab some snacks and a cup of your favorite hot beverage while Mr. Stunt Zombie reads you a Christmas story.

I can't say this about too many issues of The Punisher, but this cover is just beautiful. I feel like I've been thrust into the branches of a Christmas tree, while the Punisher kicks all kinds of ass behind me. For all I know, my ass was kicked too, and that's how I ended up face first in the tree. I like how there are reflections of the Punisher in the ornaments as he spreads his Christmas cheer all over the walls. I feel like they could have left out the distorted view of his face on the bottom though, that's just creepy. My favorite part of the whole cover has to be the Punisher skull up in the top left corner wearing a Santa hat. I like to think that Frank has a red and green sweater with his skull emblem on the front, just for the missions he takes during the holidays.

The story starts off with the well permed Little Tony Caruso putting out a hit on our favorite vigilante for killin' his pa. He decides to get Rudy, his least qualified lackey, to carry out the job. Still, when you're dealing with a guy that has hair like that, you can't help but do what he says. Seriously, the guy puts Rick James' do to shame. Maybe his family specializes in running black market hair care products instead of drugs.

The next scene, we find the Punisher eavesdropping on a conversation between some of New York City's street level thugs. Apparently, Free Love has been dealing out junk, and the other two gentlemen aren't happy with the quality of his goods. It's only thanks to a well time burst of submachine gun fire into a chimney that the hippie doesn't end up faceplanted on the pavement. Just as he's about to receive a gift of 9mm's in his face, hippie boy spills some info on Little Tony and his plan to hit the new mall on Christmas Eve. Who is this guy, the Grinch? Anyway, the Punisher is satisfied with the intel, so he lets the hippie live..

Right up until he punches him off the roof. I guess there's a chance he could pull himself back up on the roof, but being a low level street dealer, I doubt he has time to hit the gym. I'm going to consider this kill number 1.

Kill Count: 1

So, Frank goes to the mall, does some quick shopping, and then hides out under a sports car in the food court. Rudy's men are working as security guards, and they finish ushering out all the shoppers and lock up the place. The Punisher starts to realize something is wrong when they lock all their gates and still haven't made a move to steal the mall's money.

Since he was getting a little bored hanging out under the car, Frank decides to go retrieve his bag o' weapons. When he gets to the locker where he hid his guns, he finds it missing. Rudy and his guys have been watching him the entire time. Before he has time to get truly pissed, some of the goons rush up on him firing away. They're all rank amateurs though, and Frank makes quick work of them, easily taking out two more.

Kill Count: 3

Fourteen of them and now there's only eleven left? Oops..Maybe he means they're just out of commission, rather than all out dead. I mean, the guy holding his guts in against the bloody wall is still talking, so he can't be totally deceased yet. I don't know, it's hard to tell exactly what's going on here. Still, I'm sure the Punisher can count, so...

Kill Count: 3 4

One of the Rent-A-Goons manages to wing Frank, but he doesn't seem to notice or even care. He just wants to go for a ride.

The Punisher, trying to even the odds a bit, takes off in the sports car, only to crash into the escalators only a short distance away. Rudy's right, what a jerk. That car didn't do anything to him, was it really necessary to destroy it? Maybe Frank figured if he couldn't have it, nobody else should have it either. Rudy's men close in, ready to finish off the Punisher, but instead they find...a gun jammed against the accelerator. The gun knew he was on a suicide mission, so he made Frank promise he would make his death loud and explodey. When the Punisher makes a promise to a gun, he keeps it, and the ensuing blast takes out 6 more goons.

Kill Count: 10

Frank decides to try and even the playing field by knocking out the power and the security cameras. Martz, one of Rudy's men, notices the second floor has had a break in. That Martz. He's in the middle of a mob hit, and he still finds the time to do his job as mall security. Such dedication. As they're searching the second floor, Martz asks his partner if he can smell blood. Apparently, it's a handy skill to have as a killer. Just then, Martz says he can hear someone breathing. He can smell his blood.

Err..her blood. Geez Martz, way to make things awkward. She almost looks like she could be Little Tony Caruso's kid with that curly red fro she's got going on there. The guy that grabbed her has quite the do as well. Is that part of the requirements for joining the Caruso mob? Everyone must get perms? Perm goon is about to do the young lady in, when a knife mysteriously appears in his kidney. Martz, understandably upset that a knife just ended up in his buddy, freaks out a bit and starts "blamming" off some rounds in a random direction. The girl gets away, sneaking into a crawlspace.

Kill Count: 11

She ends up in the same crawlspace as the Punisher, who is slightly perturbed about having his nap disturbed. Gotta sleep light when you're doing the good work. Martz, still freaked out from his friend spontaneously sprouting a knife from his back, is ready to call it quits. All he wants to do is go home, drink some liquor, and try to forget the night all his crime buddies were gunned down by Frank Castle. Rudy's having none of that though. They have a job to do, and he plans on seeing it through.
Right about this time, Frank remembers he's been shot, and decides to administer first aid on himself. Red Fro tells him that she ran away from home months ago, and has been hiding out in the mall since then. Frank gives her some advice, ending with this little tidbit:

Thanks Frank, good talk.I bet she didn't have a good excuse for running away, like an abusive father or something.  I'm sure he was ready with more threats advice, but he was interrupted by the sounds of muffled explosions.

Frank and Red Fro manage to sneak out of the vents, while Martz and yet another goon wait to ambush them. That's the problem with mob guys, they talk too damn much, and then completely miss it when their target runs behind them. Even a cold hearted vigilante has a sense of humor, and the Punisher is no different. Having long since run out of ammo, Frank starts tossing Christmas ornaments on Rudol....Rudy's head. Hey, those glass ornaments are no joke. If these guys were walking around without shoes on, they would have feet full of shards.

Cody always had a smart mouth, and tonight was no different. Cracking jokes at his boss' expense, he almost didn't hear the sound of pounding hooves getting closer. Seeing movement out of the corner of his eye, he quickly turned and saw the reindeer heading for him. Initially, Cody was excited about meeting Santa for the first time in his life, until he remembered that he'd been a naughty boy this year....

If there were a hall of fame for the Punisher's most ridiculous kills, this would have to be the main exhibit. Sadly, Cody will never get to see it, since he has a couple of reindeer swimming in his abdomen.

Kill Count: 12

At this point, Martz finds Cody impaled by Santa's sleigh, and he freaks out yet again. I kinda feel bad for Martz. He was just supposed to come in, kill some guy and go home. Now he's watching all of his friends die in a real life horror movie. He suggests they just save the Punisher the time and trouble and blow out their own brains. Rudy, who is getting more than a little crazy by this point, orders someone to go back up Martz, while everyone else meets back up at the burning car. The Punisher orders his young tag along to go to the car too. When she reminds him that they probably want to kill her too, the Punisher says she'll be safe as long as he's still alive. They'll just use her as a hostage to draw him out. Then they'll kill her. I think Frank was just tired of her following him around.

Honestly, the main reason I used this panel is for that store ad up there. Anabolic Warrior Doll w/ Steroid Induced Heart Failure action. Why aren't these a real thing?

Martz and his boys are able to get the jump on the Punisher and overpower him. Martz is getting a little tired of watching everyone die at this point, so he figures he'll take care of the Punisher right here. Frank, ever uncooperative, maneuvers one of Martz' partners in the way, causing him to take a jigsaw to the back.

I don't think something like that would be immediately fatal, but what the hell, I'll take it.

Kill Count: 13

As the Punisher is taking care of the other henchmen when Martz rudely interrupts him with a jigsaw to the shoulder. Understandably upset, Frank decides to show Martz how to safely handle a jigsaw.

Kill Count: 14

Somehow, Red Fro has managed to stay alive this entire time. I also can't help but notice that Rudy still has more men. So, either Frank miscounted, or they had to call in reinforcements. He may be a vigilante, but that doesn't mean he can't get into the giving spirit. At some point, he gave up his shirt to one of Rudy's poor henchmen. Unfortunately for him, his friends mistake him for their original target. If that wasn't the Punisher, then where did he go?

As an aside, I love the fact the gunfire noises sound the same as a cat hacking up a hairball.

Ah, there he is, in all his shirtless, hairy chested glory. I have to admit, it's nice to see a hero that isn't as smooth as a freshly waxed surfboard. With no regard to proper Christmas tree safety, the Punisher swings in on top of Rudy's men. They're all so shocked, they don't even think to start shooting at him.

Knowing that gravity is his real enemy, the Punisher slows himself down by driving his elbow into the chest of the nearest goon. Then he's able to shoot two more, literally causing one's head to explode. While we're here, I just want everyone to get a good look at the size of that tree. That's easily the size of the one in Rockefeller Center, if not larger. Just how high is the roof on this damn mall?

Kill Count: 16?

Rudy is the first and only person to see the Punisher actually run out of ammo. The look on Frank's face is just priceless. You can just tell this has never happened to him before. "I'm sorry Rudy, this is so awkward..when I have my gear I never run out of ammo.." Of course, Rudy is quick to show Frank that he still has plenty of bullets to ventilate his face.

Except, he didn't count on Red Fro being able to pick up a gun and jam it in his face. Ever vain, Rudy would rather make a deal with the Punisher than end up with fewer brain cells and extra holes in his head. He calls off his men, telling Frank that it's safe to go out. Not one to be fooled by smooth talking mobsters, Frank motivates Rudy to go first by lobbing a few bullets in his direction.

Well, I guess the Punisher technically kept his word. Rather than verify who they were shooting at, Rudy's men cut loose at the first person coming toward the doors. What if they had actually subdued the Punisher? Cripes, you can't find good help these days. With Rudy dead, Frank has what I think is another fault in logic. While Red Fro screams they need to leave,  Frank tells her that they aren't the mobster's problem anymore. Well, yeah. You still kinda are Frank. Rather than try leaving, they sit down and take a nap until dawn. I know New York City crime was bad, but wouldn't the cops be on their way by now? Even if there weren't any alarms, wouldn't there be some cops patrolling near or around the BRAND NEW mall Christmas Eve? Bah, whatever. I know the Punisher didn't technically shoot Rudy, but I'm counting it anyway.

Kill Count: Uh...17?

Christmas morning, Frank plays Santa and delivers a gift to Little Tony Caruso. He gives Tony a cryptic warning not leave his bed, and walks out. No doubt he was planning on spreading his Christmas cheer all over town. This leaves Tony, alone and frightened, doing his best Brad Pitt impression as he agonizes over opening the box. What's in there? Sadly, we'll never know..

The post credits ending sees Red Fro..um..Sandy, finding her way back home, only to be accosted by her asshole father. Empowered by watching the Punisher kill mob goons all night, Sandy has some surprises of her own; the police! She lets her dad know that things have changed, and the cops quickly arrest bad dad and lead him out of the house while Frank watches from a distance. The End.

Final Kill Count: 17 goons and 1 future victim of prison violence.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this heartwarming holiday tale, I know I sure did. It's almost a shame it was never made into a movie. It would be even better than Die Hard. Happy Holidays Punishing!

Some thoughts on the Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens Teaser

I'm sure everyone has seen this by now, but it won't hurt to post it in one more place.




I still remember when the teasers and trailers for the new trilogy were being released, and this one seems, different, somehow. Granted, this was just a teaser, so we don't really get any story details, but what we do see has certainly piqued my interest.

My first question is, who is this guy, and what has him so frightened? From the little bit that I've read, at least part of the movie will take us back to Tatooine. So, there are any number of things, from Krayt Dragons to Sandpeople, that this guy could be worried about . Also, if he is actually in the employ of the Empire, it seems that they've exhausted their clone army and are actually taking recruits now. I seem to remember that being the case in the original trilogy, so I'm sure they definitely need warm bodies now, 30 years after Return of the Jedi.

Here we have another shot on Tatooine, this time of a tiny wheeled droid speeding through what appears to be a used spacecraft lot. He sounds a bit like R2, what with his worried sounding beeps and his nervous nature. Again, we have a character that looks like its on the run from something, but what?

The Stormtroopers are back, and going by this pic, I have a good feeling the clone army is no more. Check out the fourth guy back, and you can see how much taller he is compared to his comrades. I'm digging the new helmets as well. They look less bulky and more streamlined than the older versions, and seem to take some cues from the Clone Wars troopers. The eyepiece is a bit more intimidating, and it actually reminds me of a scene in "Saving Private Ryan" where the Germans' helmets shaded their eyes, making them look almost inhuman. I'm just hoping the quality of the Stormtrooper armor has improved, along with their aim.

Yet another scene on Tatooine. It seems like the desert planet is to Star Wars what New York City is to the Marvel Universe. Everything happens there. It's also another shot of someone either rushing to or away from something else. Everybody is in a hurry in this movie. I'm not sure who this girl is, but I'm going to guess it's one of Han and Leia's kids. Han was quite the racer in his youth, so it would make sense for at least one of his kids to take after him. That speeder actually reminds me of the engines used on the pod racers from the first prequel. It's basically all engine with a seat and controls, but no weapons. That leads me to believe it's just for personal transportation or racing. The speeder bike scene in Return of the Jedi is one of my favorite parts of the original trilogy, so I'm a little anxious to see if there will be something similar in Episode VII.

This is easily my favorite scene from the teaser. The X-Wing is one of my favorite fighters from the Star Wars universe, so it's nice to see them again. There appear to be some minor changes to the design, such as how the wings come together, but it still looks like the classic ship that I've grown to love. The best part about this clip is that we get to see a planet other than Tatooine. I don't know exactly where they are, but there's just something awesome watching a squad of X-Wings kicking up spray as they skim the water. I've seen some complaints about the Rebels using fighters that are at least 30 years old by this point, but then the US and other countries are still using planes designed almost 40 years ago. And none of our stuff is anywhere near as awesome as an X-Wing.

Gee, I wonder if this guy is evil? The Star Wars universe isn't exactly known for its subtlety, and there's no better example of this than the Sith. There are some exceptions to the rule, but in most cases in this world, black and red means bad guy. We never get any clues to this guy's identity in the short time we see him, but going by his body language, he looks rather determined to track someone down. The way he powers up that lightsaber gives me the impression that he may have found them.

Speaking of that lightsaber, I'm loving the design. I know some folks are calling it impractical, but I think practicality has always taken a back seat to intimidation when it comes to Sith lightsaber designs. I'm particularly fond of how "dirty" the blade looks. No longer is it a featureless beam of light. Now it's jagged and more flame-like. I like it.

Last, and certainly not least, we get a little clip of the Millennium Falcon performing some evasive maneuvers on what can only be Tatooine. Again. I know Han is a good pilot an all, but I actually wonder if he's the one flying in these scene. I know Luke is quite the pilot, and he's got that whole Force thing behind him, so perhaps he's the one in the captain's chair? Either way, they're pulling off some fancy flying for a ship with no wings in the atmosphere.

The presence of the Tie Fighters raise a few questions as well. Even with the destruction of the Emperor and the Death Star, it seems like there could still be a lot of Imperial Forces scattered throughout the galaxy. But, with the Emperor gone, who is leading them now?


The teaser did its job, and got me excited to see the next trailer. I've always been hard on the prequel movies, but honestly, I can find something I like in all of them. From the little bit I've seen, it looks like the continuation of the series is in the hands of someone more than capable of making Star Wars great again.

So, I'll just be sitting here waiting patiently for December 15, 2015 to get here.

Lance Pumpkin Cheesecake Nekot Cookie Sandwiches

I know Christmas commercials have already started airing, and you're all chomping at the bit for Black Friday, but it's still Fall, dammit! And that means pumpkin related foods are still fair game. With that in mind, I present to you, Lance's Pumpkin Cheesecake Nekot Cookie Sandwiches.

I am no stranger to Lance's offerings. Their Captain's Wafers with cream cheese and chives kept me sated on more than one fishing trip, and I still have a weakness for their Toastchee Peanut Butter cracker sandwiches. The sandwich cookies though, have never really been my favorites. I'm not sure if it was their lack of icing compared to Oreo cookies, or the way they never really seemed to soften up in milk. I swear, you could soak the damn things in a glass of milk, and they'd still come out crunchy as concrete. When it came to vending machine cookies, I was always willing to spend the extra money to get the pack of Chips Ahoy over the Van-O-Lunch. Thankfully, the Nekot cookies don't share the "O-Lunch" varieties invincibility against milk and other cookie appropriate beverages.

While the Nekots are a bit softer than Lance's other cookies, they still have a nice crunch. They also react nicely with milk, easily soaking it up, but not so easily that you lose half the cookie in your cup. There isn't much that aggravates me more than having that mushy cookie sludge at the bottom of my glass. Normally, the Nekot Cookie Sandwiches are filled with Peanut Butter or Chocolate cream. Or is it creme? Either way, it tends to be spread a bit thinner than on other brands' cookie sandwiches.

I didn't even realize Lance offered limited edition or seasonal varieties until I saw my coworker bring in a pack a few weeks ago. I guess she picked up on my interest in her cookies, because she brought me a pack last week. And now I'm just realizing that last sentence really seems like it's dripping with innuendo. I'll have to get my editor to take care of that. I always pictured the Lance company as an old curmudgeon, stuck in their ways, and yelling at kids to get off their lawns. That's why it shocked me to see that they were taking part in the pumpkin snack frenzy.

Upon opening the package, I was hit with a wave of pumpkin spice, which was surprising given how little cream (creme?) is actually in the sandwiches. Cheesecake is a hard thing to pull off in a cookie sandwich, even by the best companies. A lot of times, the flavor or the texture is off, and most of the time they don't get anything right. I'm happy to report Lance actually managed to get the flavor of pumpkin cheesecake. Kind of. That initial bite is full of pumpkin spice and sweetness, followed by the bitterness you'd expect from cheesecake. After the creme (cream?) started getting warm and melting, that's when things got weird. That's when I started tasting some saltiness, and I started having thoughts of the cream cheese and chives on the Captain's Wafers. It gave me the impression that Lance used their normal cheese and just tossed some food coloring and spices in there.

I'm sure you noticed I didn't really mention the cookies. There's really no need to in this case, since the cookies' only goal is to make sure the cream (creme?) makes it to your mouth without making a mess. They're actually rather bland and tasteless, which actually works out, since it really allows the Pumpkin Cheesecake filling to take the lead with no interference. Think of them as the linemen, guarding a quarterback throwing a pass full of flavor at your mouth. That's likely the strangest analogy I'll make for the rest of the year.

So, the next time you've got a hankerin' for some late night cookie and pumpkin cheesecake sandwiches, hit up your local convenience store and buy a pack or two. Then, you too can experience a touchdown of flavor.

Okay, that's the last of the sports analogies, I promise.

Thomas' Cranberry English Muffins

I'll admit, cranberries are rarely my first choice when it comes to small spherical fruits.That honor almost always goes to blueberries. Still, I can buy foods stuffed with blueberries any day of the week. Cranberry infused baked goods aren't exactly common, so I couldn't help myself when I stumbled across the Thomas' Limited Edition Cranberry English Muffins.

The packaging on Thomas' English Muffins never had much real estate, so they had to get creative in order to stand out from all the other packs of baked hockey pucks. I actually love everything about this tray, from the cranberry laden muffin half, to the fruit bunch just under it. Speaking of that bunch of cranberries on the side there, at first glance I thought it was the top of a Christmas tree. It wasn't until I got them home that I realized it was just a cluster of berries. Look at it from the corner of your eye and tell me you don't see a Christmas tree there. I love how the writing reminds me of the title of a DVD of a straight to Hallmark Channel Christmas movie. Actually, I wouldn't be that  surprised to learn  Limited Edition: Cranberry was the name of an actual Hallmark movie. It could be about two people that get together due to their mutual love for seasonal holiday foods. Starring Harry Connick Jr. and Lauren Holly, probably.

Also, I have to mention that the entire package is the same color as eggnog. Thomas' covered all of their subliminal bases with this packaging.

As with all foods, Thomas' Cranberry English Muffins aren't nearly as beautiful as they are on the box. The muffins may not look pretty, but there's no denying that they are just loaded full of cranberries. Open the package, and you'll think you just stepped into the middle of a cranberry bog. There's a hint of citrus that brings back memories of the Panettone my parents used to buy from a local Italian eatery. I really don't like raisins hiding in my bread, but if you substituted cranberries in there, I would probably devour the whole thing. I'll be the first to admit, Thomas' English Muffins look rather unappetizing right out of the box. Sure, you could eat them untoasted, but what kind of savage are you? No, to properly enjoy them, they need some toaster time..

Now that's gorgeous. A couple minutes in the toaster, and they go from being pale and chewy to crispy golden brown discs of deliciousness. Even the nooks and crannies seem to open up, allowing them to really hold on to all that butter you are going to slather on top. I don't know if it's from being cooked in a toaster, but the cranberries seem fresh, rather than dried. The muffins have a slightly citrus-y flavor, without the sourness I usually expect from cranberries. If you're the type that likes some fruit on top of your muffins, you can probably hold the jelly with these. Speaking of toppings..

It's not exactly Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner leftovers, but it's close enough. Throw some leftover turkey on there, with some stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, and you have the makings of a mini holiday feast. There's just enough cranberry flavor in the muffins that you can leave off the cranberry sauce, and save yourself some mess.

So go out and get yourself a pack of Thomas' Cranberry English Muffins. They're the only way you'll be able to enjoy a McThanksgiving.